DragonBall U.S.M.C.
by ClariceLecter
Summary: DBZ meets GOMER PYLE USMC when everyone's favorite Marine turns out to be a Saiyan warrior...
1. Default Chapter Title

DRAGONBALL U.S.M.C., Part One  
  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
  
PREMISE: What if everyone's favorite bumbling Marine turned out to be the most powerful Saiyan warrior of all?  
  
  
CAST OF CHARACTERS  
  
PVT. FIRST CLASS GOMER PYLE, a sweet, innocent babe-in-the-woods stationed at the Camp Henderson Marine Base near San Diego, CA. When Colonel Gray institutes a competitive martial arts program on the base, Gomer discovers fighting skills he never knew he had...which leads him to his ultimate destiny.  
  
CORPORAL DUKE SLATER, Company B's second in command and Gomer Pyle's best friend. When he, Pvt. Charles Yellowbear, and Gomer are selected to represent the U.S. at the Budokai International Martial Arts Tournament in Osaka, Japan, Duke is the first to discover Gomer's Saiyan heritage...something Gomer himself does not yet know about.  
  
SGT. VINCE CARTER, leader of Company B and the best friend of Duke Slater and Gomer Pyle. He is as shocked as everyone else when Gomer Pyle proves to be a natural in the competitive martial arts program, and he is also the head coach for the U.S. team at the Budokai Tournament...and is even more stunned when he discovers who Gomer really is.  
  
SGT. EARL HACKER, leader of Company C and the guy in charge of the mess hall. He is also friends with Sgt. Carter, Duke Slater, and Gomer Pyle, and is the assistant coach for the U.S. team at the Budokai Tournament. One of his soldiers, Charles Yellowbear, is the third competitor for the U.S. team.  
  
PVT. FIRST CLASS CHARLES YELLOWBEAR, a Native American recruit in Sgt. Hacker's platoon. He and Gomer Pyle became fast friends while competing in the base's track and field division, and leaps at the chance to join Duke and Gomer in the Budokai Tournament.  
  
COL. ANDREW GRAY, base commander at Camp Henderson. His decision to incorporate competitive martial arts at Camp Henderson unleashes Gomer Pyle's natural abilities, and leads to the Budokai Tournament...and Gomer's ultimate destiny.  
  
GOKU, a Saiyan-born warrior and past champion of the Budokai. He is an observer at this year's Budokai who quickly senses Gomer Pyle's Saiyan energy...and also senses danger with the bumbling Marine's presence at the Budokai.  
  
VEGETA, a recently widowed former enemy of Goku who is also an observer at the Budokai, as well as a Saiyan. He blows the U.S. team off as pushovers until he sees Gomer compete...Gomer fights like a Saiyan, and it doesn't take long for Vegeta to connect Gomer to his true past. Vegeta is also in mourning over the death of his human-born wife and soulmate Bulma, who was a childhood friend of Krillin and Goku.  
  
PICCOLO, another enemy-turned-ally of Goku whose first match at the Budokai is against Gomer Pyle. He soon realizes that as much of a fighter as Goku is, Gomer is much more...  
  
KRILLIN, Goku's best friend. A Buddhist monk before he became a fighter, Krillin balances his fighting spirit with a sense of calm and a healthy dose of fear. Like his friends, he senses something different about Gomer Pyle the minute he lays eyes on him.   
  
GOHAN, Goku's son and a competitor in the Budokai. He and his dad have fought many battles together, both in and out of the Budokai, and this is the first year Goku has let Gohan compete solo. He and Duke Slater compete against each other in the first trials, and become fast friends...  
  
TRUNKS, the son of Vegeta and his late wife Bulma. He is also competing in the Budokai this year, but spends much of his time comforting his grief-stricken father.   
  
FRIEZA, the son of the intergalactic warlord Kold and a longtime enemy of the DragonBall warriors. He has been killed and reanimated several times, and has been reanimated once again. His new mission is to crash the Budokai and destroy the Saiyan warrior Virekot, who is to become the Guardian of the DragonBalls...but who is Virekot?  
  
CHUCK NORRIS  
  
TANK ABBOTT  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters of PFC Gomer Pyle, Cpl. Duke Slater, Sgt. Vince Carter, Sgt. Earl Hacker, PFC Charles Yellowbear, and Col. Andrew Gray are the exclusive property of Andy Griffith Productions. The characters of Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo, Krillin, Gohan, Trunks, and Frieza are the exclusive property of Funimation, Inc. and other companies. Chuck Norris and Tank Abbott are real people. No infringement of any kind is intended.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sgt. Vince Carter sat at his desk, a worried expression on his face that very few people saw. Cpl. Duke Slater, his second in command, picked up on it right away. "Vince, what's the matter?" he asked.  
  
"Nothin', Slater, I was just thinking about Pyle," Vince admitted. "In all the time we've both known him, have you ever seen him like this?"  
  
Duke knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, I know what you mean...who'd have guessed Lou Ann would be such a damn slut? Boinking with Monroe Eford the whole time she and Gomer were dating and all---!"  
  
"And to think you and I both had a thing for her at one time...the way she strung him along makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, Gomer's always been a sweet kid---now look at him!"  
  
It was a miracle Sgt. Hacker had decided not to press charges after Gomer had punched him out in the mess hall. Ever since the whole thing with Lou Ann had broken down, the normally easygoing hayseed had turned into a time bomb of rage. Anything and everything was setting him off these days, and it had them worried.  
  
Vince was about to let his train of thought take him over when Col. Andrew Gray, the base commander at Camp Henderson, entered the duty hut. Duke and Vince stood and saluted him, showing him the greatest respect. "At ease," he replied with a firm, but gentle authority. "I wanted to talk to you about the fracas in the mess hall the other day..."  
  
"Yes, sir?" Vince asked nervously.  
  
"You do know that Sgt. Hacker has decided not to pursue assault charges against Pvt. Pyle...tell me something, Sgt. Carter, what's gotten into him? Why would Pyle suddenly become belligerent?"  
  
"Well, sir, Pyle's having a tough time right now," Vince admitted. "His girlfriend---should I say, his ex-girlfriend---was seeing another guy behind his back...and not too long ago, he caught them in the rack together..."  
  
"And he has no real outlet for his anger," Col. Gray interjected.  
  
"That's right, sir," Duke chimed in. "I know Sgt. Hacker's dropping the complaint, but...well...is Gomer going to be court-martialed anyway?"  
  
Col. Gray smiled. "No, he isn't. But I think I've found a solution to his problem."   
  
He then went to the door and motioned in Sgt. Earl Hacker and PFC Charles Yellowbear. Hacker still had a bitch of a shiner from where Gomer had cracked him with his fist, but his eye was opening back up again. "Hi, Hacker," Vince now said.  
  
"Hey, Vince," Hacker replied before turning to Col. Gray. "You want me to tell him, sir?"  
  
"By all means, Sergeant, go ahead."  
  
Hacker turned back to Vince and Duke. "Vince, Col. Gray's been wanting to bring in a competitive martial arts program to Camp Henderson for the past five months..."  
  
"I know that, Hacker," Vince said, "so what's your point?"  
  
"My point is, the program starts next week. There's a guy by the name of Chuck Norris coming here to supervise the program...besides boosting morale and giving the men an outlet for their anger, Col. Gray thinks this kind of competition will set Camp Henderson apart from the rest of the bases..."  
  
"You mean martial arts tournaments? Like the Budokai in Japan?" Duke now asked.  
  
"That's right, Slater, how did you know?"   
  
Duke smiled. "If you'll all follow me, I'll show you," he said, motioning them all outside. He got Charles to stand opposite him and said, "I want you to try and charge me."  
  
"Yes, sir," Charles obliged, charging at Duke like he was going to tackle him, football-style. That was when Duke made his revelation, through a series of martial arts kicks that sent Charles reeling.   
  
Vince was shocked---and impressed. "Holy crap, Slater?" he asked.   
  
"My dad started me out in martial-arts training when I was a kid," Duke now admitted. "He took me to see several Budokai Tournaments as I was growing up, and it's always fascinated me. That's how I know about it."  
  
Col. Gray now turned to Vince. "So what do you say, Sgt. Carter? Do we put Pyle in the program or what?"  
  
Vince chuckled. "Tournament fighting? Martial arts? Anything to keep Pyle outta trouble..."  
  
  
"Ah am NOT havin' trouble with mah temper!!!" Gomer protested when Vince and Duke came to him with the suggestion. "An' what good would it do fer me t'take that Oriental class?!?"  
  
"Pyle, for God's sake, will ya LISTEN to yourself?" Vince barked back. "We all saw what you did in the mess hall---you, a private, punching out a sergeant! You're lucky you ain't in the stockade---!!!"  
  
"Maybe ah oughtta punch you an' get it done with---if ya hadn't put me on detail, ah wouldn't 'a lost Lou Ann---!!!"  
  
"It's not MY fault Lou Ann turned into a whore---!!!"  
  
Before Gomer had a chance to land the first punch, Duke and two other Marines restrained him. "LET ME GO, DANG IT!!!!! I'm gonna KICK HIS ASS---!!!"  
  
"Gomer, you're not kicking ANYONE'S ass, GOT IT?!?!?" Duke scolded. "Now listen to me---!"  
  
"LET ME GO!!!!!"  
  
"Gomer, for God's sake, LISTEN!!!!! Sgt. Carter's right---whether Sarge put you on detail or not, Lou Ann would have been sleeping with Monroe ANYWAY!!!"  
  
"It ain't TRUE---!!"  
  
Duke had no choice but to slap his best friend across the face. Shock registered in Gomer's eyes the second Duke's palm struck his cheek, causing him to calm down. "I'm sorry, Gomer, but it was the only way I could get you to hush," Duke apologized.   
  
The other two privates released Gomer, allowing him to sit in his bunk. Then he began to cry. "Hey, buddy, it's all right," Vince said soothingly. "We're just as P.O.'d over what she did as you are, but we're not goin' around punchin' guys in the mess hall..."  
  
"How could she do it?" Gomer wept. "How could she lie to me like that? All our time spent goin' together, an' I catch her in the bed with Monroe---!!!"  
  
"Pyle, she's Monroe's problem now, not yours," Vince replied, "but holdin' in all this anger ain't doin' you a damn bit of good. You're worse now than the time you had that Welsh rarebit obsession---!"  
  
"Yeah, that was awful silly, cravin' cheese toast 24 hours a day, 7 days a week," Gomer began to chuckle through his tears. "Ah am sorry ah hit Sgt. Hacker..."  
  
"Gomer, it's done with, and Sgt. Hacker's not holding it against you," Duke now said. "In fact, your being in Camp Henderson's new martial arts program was his idea..."  
  
"It was?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Gomer wiped his eyes. "Gawwwwwwwwww-llllleeeeeeeee..."  
  
"So how about it, Pyle?" Vince asked. "You gonna give it a try?"  
  
Gomer grinned. "When's it start?"  
  
  
Chuck Norris arrived at Camp Henderson the next week, and Col. Gray gave him the list of men enrolled in the competitive martial arts program. "Corporal Duke Slater from Company B is a martial arts expert himself, and he'll be assisting you in the program," Col. Gray said.  
  
Norris looked over the list. At the very top was the name GOMER PYLE, PRIVATE FIRST CLASS, COMPANY B. "Who's this Gomer Pyle kid?" Norris asked.  
  
"He's a nice guy at heart, but he's filled with a lot of rage...Cpl. Slater and Company B's platoon leader, Sgt. Vince Carter, enrolled him after he punched out a sergeant..."  
  
"And he's in the program to avoid a court-martial?"  
  
"Sgt. Hacker, the guy he punched, suggested that he be in the program. I'm telling you, this kid can hit---you should see the shiner Hacker's got."  
  
Norris read the list several times. "Where's the men now?"  
  
"They're in the indoor gym, waiting for you..."  
  
Norris smiled. "Let's see how they do in a series of miniature Budokais, for practice..."  
  
  
The institution of the competitive martial arts program was a stroke of genius. And as predicted, no one took to the program more than Gomer. He adjusted to the training regimen quicker than anyone else, and discovered fighting skills he never knew he had. He turned out to be so good that Col. Gray began entering him, Duke, and Charles Yellowbear in several regional tournaments.  
  
It wasn't long before Vince began noticing two strange-looking men in the stands, attending every tournament. Eventually, Gomer, Duke and Charles became so good that they entered the nationals. In between, Gomer participated in two shoot-fighting tournaments as well.  
  
His toughest opponent so far had been veteran shoot-fighter Tank Abbott, who outweighed him by one hundred pounds. Because of Gomer's wiry build, it was feared that Abbott would tear him apart...in the end, Gomer outfought him, outclassed him, and outlasted him, becoming Camp Henderson's first-ever shoot-fighting champion.  
  
The strange, spiky-haired men also attended the shoot-fighting matches, as if they were scouting Gomer's every move...  
  
  
"I'm telling you, Vegeta, he fights like a Saiyan!" Goku argued as he and his traveling buddy, Vegeta, settled into their hotel room. "You saw him yourself..."  
  
"I know, Kakarot, but how can it be?" Vegeta replied, calling Goku by his Saiyan name. "After all, he's supposed to be a rookie---he's only just started competing! Besides that, he's a hayseed! The way he fights, you'd think he'd done it all his life---!"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Vegeta brought out his fight program. "PFC Gomer Pyle, United States Marine Corps," the sometimes cranky Saiyan prince whispered, storing the name in his memory. He then let his mind travel back to the match with Tank Abbott...  
  
Then he remembered when Goku's infant brother, Virekot, was placed in a ship for Earth, just before Frieza came along...  
  
  
Virekot, the younger brother of Radditz and Kakarot, was born during the Saiyans' war with the intergalactic warlord Kold, his son and second-in-command Frieza, and their band of outlaws. Virekot was to have been the most powerful of all the Saiyan warriors, even more powerful than Radditz, Kakarot, and the young Prince Vegeta combined.   
  
According to prophecy, Virekot was to eventually become the Guardian of the Universe's DragonBalls...a man pure of heart, despite the Saiyans' savage nature. He was also to be the greatest fighter of them all.  
  
  
Consumed by curiosity, Vegeta looked up Camp Henderson's website on his laptop computer and brought up the online dossier of PFC Gomer Pyle.  
  
He had been an abandoned newborn, discovered in a field just outside Mayberry, North Carolina 32 Earth years ago.   
  
"32 years," Vegeta thought to himself. "That's how long ago Virekot went aw---!"  
  
Vegeta stopped himself. He looked at the picture of Gomer Pyle, then let his memories return to Virekot's departure. Could it be...?  
  
  
END OF PART ONE  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

DRAGONBALL U.S.M.C., Part Two  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
  
Krillin knocked on Goku's door the next morning. "Hey, guys, you up yet?" he called out.  
Goku opened the door. "C'mon in, Krillin, but don't bother Vegeta right now," he replied. "He had another bad night..."  
"Where IS Vegeta, anyway?"  
"He's in the shower, trying to wake up..."  
Pained sobbing could be heard from behind the bathroom door. "Ohhhhhhhhh, boy," Krillin groaned, "hasn't he stopped crying yet? Bulma's been dead for almost a year..."  
"You know how much he loved her," Goku interjected. "Stubborn jackass that he can be sometimes, he really loved her. I don't think he'll ever recover from it..."  
Krillin thought back to that day...the day he and Goku lost their childhood friend...the sad, sad day Vegeta lost his wife...  
  
"KAKAROT!!!!!!! KAKAROT, COME QUICK, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH BULMA!!!!" Vegeta called out in an anguished voice, the tears flowing from his eyes.  
He had run out to the practice field, where Krillin, Goku, Goku's son Gohan, and Vegeta's daughter Bra were warming up for the next Budokai Tournament. "Daddy, what's wrong?" Bra had asked.  
Vegeta was in such a terrible state that he couldn't get the words out, so the others ran back to the Capsule Corporation building with him...  
What they found was heartbreaking.  
Bulma and Vegeta had been working on her father's latest invention, with their son Trunks, when she began complaining of a terrible headache. Vegeta had gotten her to take a break, but it only got worse...she had collapsed as soon as she'd gotten in the chair.   
The teenage Trunks was kneeling over her, trying to revive her, but she didn't respond. "Mom? Mom, please!" he pleaded, trying to get her to wake up. At that moment, Prof. Briefs, Bulma's dad, came running into the room...  
"God in Heaven, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" he had wailed when he saw her...  
  
Bulma had died of a massive brain hemorrhage, and was already gone before anyone could save her. She was only 38...the same age as Goku.  
Everyone had taken her death hard, but no one grieved more than Vegeta, Trunks and Bra. Most heartbreaking of all, she could not be resurrected by the Eternal Dragon...her death had not come as a result of battle, but from natural causes. She had literally worked herself to death.  
Vegeta and everyone else tried desperately to make her take a break from her job at Capsule Corporation, but she, like her father, was a born workaholic. She was devoted to her family, to her husband, but she liked to stay busy all the time. She didn't like to be lazy...  
After her death, Prof. Briefs retired from Capsule. He felt great guilt over her death...he had pushed her into a scientific career, had pushed her to succeed a little too hard.  
Vegeta didn't blame him for what happened. Nobody blamed him...he just couldn't forgive himself.  
  
"I could have saved her!" Vegeta raged under the shower's spray, venting his grief to the Heavens. "I should have made her leave that company, I should have made her rest!!! Oh, Bulma, why?!? Why didn't you LISTEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?"  
Vegeta wasn't a man who cried very often, if at all, but ever since Bulma passed away the tears had not stopped flowing. He now cried on a daily basis, sometimes twice a day, over her...she had been the first person he had ever truly loved.  
She was also the reason why he'd broken away from Frieza in the first place...  
That wasn't entirely true. He'd wanted to take all of Namek's DragonBalls for himself, so he could become immortal...but Bulma had inspired him to break from his evil past, to break from Frieza once and for all.  
At first glance, he thought she was a "bonehead," a "dope," for her normally optimistic outlook on life. Also, for finding him attractive, although she was in a relationship with Yamcha, another of Goku's friends. But he couldn't get her out of his mind...  
When Yamcha betrayed her, left her for someone else, no one had been angrier about it than Vegeta...but he couldn't understand why. Although he found her attractive, she was, after all, human---and a "silly" human at that. He couldn't help himself.  
He was in love with her...he could no longer deny that. And now, after her death, he would continue to love her...  
  
"Col. Gray, are you sure about this? You want to enter Pyle in the Budokai?" Sgt. Carter asked when the fighters returned to Camp Henderson two days later.  
"And Duke Slater and Charles Yellowbear," Col. Gray replied. "They're good enough to compete in Osaka, Sergeant..."  
"But they've only competed the last few months! I don't mean any disrespect, sir, but are you positive?"  
Col. Gray smiled. "I've never been more sure about anything, especially where Pyle's concerned."  
Chuck Norris now spoke. "Vince, you saw how Gomer took out Tank Abbott in that shoot-fighting tournament," he said.  
"I'll say! Pyle beat the livin' shit outta him---!"  
"Exactly. That's why we're sending him to the Budokai...all the matches he and the other guys have been in are qualifiers for the tournament. The match with Tank Abbott clinched it."  
Col. Gray produced the visitor visas he'd obtained for their party. "Our men are the only U.S. representatives in this year's tournament," Col. Gray now revealed. "Competitors from all over the world, and all over the galaxy, have competed in the Budokai for centuries..."  
Sgt. Carter became confused. "Did you say 'Galaxy,' sir?" he asked.  
"The representative from Namek will explain everything to you," Norris now said.   
With those words, the Namekian warrior Piccolo entered the room. "Sgt. Carter, meet Ambassador Piccolo from the planet Namek," Col. Gray said. "Mr. Ambassador, this is Sgt. Carter."  
The hulking, green-skinned fighter towered over Carter in a way Gomer never had. He looked to be 6-ft.-8, and despite his cloaked, somewhat fearsome appearance, he was actually harmless.  
"Hello, Sgt. Carter," Piccolo said, extending his hand. "I assure you, I don't bite."  
"Uh...heh-heh-heh-heh-heh," the sergeant giggled nervously as they shook hands.   
"I've been watching your man, Pyle...so have some friends of mine...we've never seen an American fighter quite like him..."  
Sgt. Carter's giggling became even more nervous. "Yeah...yeah, well, there's never been anyone like Pyle..."  
  
"Vince, are you shittin' us?" Duke asked an hour later when the announcement was made. "We're goin' to the freakin' BUDOKAI?!?!?!?"  
"Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-llllllleeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!" Gomer chimed in.   
"The representative from Namek will explain the rules of the tournament to all of you, so please, for the love of God, make him feel welcome," Sgt. Carter said. "He's coming in with Col. Gray, Sgt. Hacker, and Charlie after they talk to them..."  
"Gee, Sergeant, what's Namek?" Gomer now asked. "Issat another country?"  
"No, Gomer, it's another planet. For real," Duke replied. "You'll have to see him for yourself..."  
"So how's it feel to be goin' to Osaka, Pyle?" Sgt. Carter now asked. "Feelin' better?"  
"Ah'll say! Wait'll th' folks back in Mayberry hear 'bout this! Gaw-lee, ah feel so good ah wawna lose mah virginitay!!!"  
Sgt. Carter and Duke couldn't help chuckling at that remark. "Well, the guy from Namek won't be here for another 20 minutes, so why don't you and Slater change into your competition gear before they arrive?"  
"Right, Sergeant!" Gomer said, saluting before returning to his barracks.   
Duke then went to his locker and brought out his competition outfit---black karate pants, white tank top, black sleeveless karate shirt, black boots, and black belt. "I think he's getting over Lou Ann, finally," Duke now said.  
"It's about time, too," Sgt. Carter replied. "Do you believe the nerve of that little bitch? She sent him a postcard the other day that said 'Wish you were here,' that had a clipping of her wedding to that Eford prick!"  
"And did you see how fast Gomer ripped it into confetti?" Duke then asked. "At least now he's saving up all that anger for the matches, and that's a good thing."  
While Duke went into the back to change, Sgt. Carter wondered if Gomer were serious about wanting to "lose mah virginitay"...  
  
Gomer, Duke and Charles engaged in a series of sparring exercises, so Piccolo could see their fighting styles for himself. Charles and Duke were impressive in themselves, but it was Gomer who held the Namekian's interest.  
"Goku and Vegeta were right," Piccolo thought to himself. "Pyle DOES fight like a Saiyan...am I glad I'm competing against him in the first round. I'll get to see for myself how powerful he is---and if he IS a Saiyan..."  
"So, Piccolo, you're competing in the first round of the Budokai, too?" Sgt. Hacker now asked.  
"Against Pyle, in fact," Piccolo replied. "I want to see everything he's got...somehow, I think what he did to Tank Abbott only scratches the surface of his abilities..."  
Gomer, clad in black tank-top, black slacks, black belt, and black boots, took out Duke and Charles with ease, then helped them back up. "So whaddya thank, Mr. Piccolo?" Gomer called out.  
As Piccolo's eyes met Gomer's, he was able to see into his soul...  
And into his true past.  
"It can't be," Piccolo now thought, stunned beyond belief. "It can't possibly be..."  
  
In the outer reaches of space, the intergalactic warlord Frieza began his latest journey to Earth. His destination...  
Osaka, Japan. The Budokai Tournament.  
  
The Guardian had been found...  
  
END OF PART TWO 


	3. Default Chapter Title

DRAGONBALL U.S.M.C., Part Three  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
  
The weekend before the Camp Henderson party left for the Budokai Tournament, the opportunity for Gomer to shed his virginal shackles presented itself.  
"Excuse me," a tender, female voice purred to Duke at the PX, "have you seen Gomer around?"  
Duke looked up. It was Lou Ann Poovie-Eford's former coworker at the Congo Club, April Reid.  
"April! How've you been?" Duke exclaimed, rushing up to hug her. April returned the hug, kissing his cheek for good measure.  
"I've been great. I quit the Congo Club after that bitch Lou Ann skipped town, and I'm a DJ at that new dance club..."  
"Baxendale's? Are you shittin' me, April?! That's the hottest club in town!"  
Their talk immediately shifted back to Gomer. "I never liked the way Lou Ann treated him," April fumed. "One minute acting like he's her dream fuck, then dissing him with her next breath..."  
"You're forgetting something, April," Duke reminded her, "Gomer's still a virgin---Lou Ann wouldn't even let him tickle her fancy, and all the while the bitch spread herself open for Monroe Freakin' Eford!"  
"Tell me about it! The Queen of the Hypocrites---that's Lou Ann all over. She and Monroe really deserve each other...now me, I wouldn't mind taking Gomer's hand and teaching him how to touch and be touched..."  
"Yeah, losing his virginity's the final frontier for him..."  
Duke then realized what April was talking about. "You have the hots for him, don't you?"  
April smiled. "How'd you ever guess? The way I'd cut dirty looks at Lou Ann? Or how I'd tremble every time he'd walk into the Congo Club to see her?"  
Duke smiled back. "All of the above, and then some. And unlike MRS. Eford, you can actually sing."  
  
Later that night, acting on April's tip, Duke came up with the idea for him, Sgt. Carter and the rest of the guys taking Gomer out to Baxendale's. They all got weekend passes and went in civilian clothes, to blend in with the club's pulsating rave scene.  
Earlier, Duke and Charles had taken Gomer to J. Crew and The Gap for a new outfit, and in his new Doc Marten boots, short-sleeved black silk shirt, Oakley shades and black jeans, with a nice splash of Calvin Klein Escape for Men cologne, the hayseed Marine blended right in. But he didn't believe it.  
"Gaw-lee, Duke, I can't dance fer shit," he'd complained on the way. "Ah'd stick out like a turd in th' punchbowl---!"  
"Gomer, will ya chill, for God's sake?" Duke replied. "You'll do fine! Besides, April's only seen you in your uniform---trust me, when she sees you dressed like this, with those muscles of yours rippling, she'll have a spontaneous orgasm!"  
Being sexually naive, Gomer couldn't help asking, "Whut's an orgasm? Issat th' same thang as an amoeba?"   
Duke and Charles roared with laughter. "You'll know the first time you have one," Charles giggled. "It's like nothin' else in the world, Gome..."  
"Well, how will ah know ah've had one?"  
As they pulled into the parking lot at Baxendale's, Duke and Charles gave him a crash course on human sexuality, telling him about their experiences with women. "It's basically trial and error," Duke said. "You keep learning the more you do it...what she likes, what feels good to you...it's just as much for her as it is for you..."  
Charles then gave Gomer a copy of HUSTLER to flip through real quick. "Tell us what you see, buddy," he said as Gomer opened the magazine.  
The sight of those beautiful women, their lips pouted, their bodies perfect, caused Gomer to blush. "Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwww-llllllllllllllllleee," he sighed, feeling sensations he never had before...  
  
They met with Sgt. Carter and his girlfriend, Bunny Olsen, inside---April had an hour left on her shift, so Gomer decided to sit on the sidelines and wait for her, nursing a bottle of water as he did.  
As they danced, Bunny noticed a sexual glow about Gomer she'd never seen before. "Hey, Vince, what's with him?" she asked, using her body to keep time with the pounding techno beats.  
Vince looked in Gomer's direction, and immediately remembered his earlier comment about wanting "t'lose mah virginitay." "Well, I'll be damned," Vince chuckled.   
"What? What?!?" Bunny demanded.  
"Don't'cha get it, Bunny? Pyle's gotten Whore-Ann Poovie outta his system once an' for all..."  
"So what else is new?"  
"I mean it! Lookit how he's eyeballin' April!...I tell ya, Slater wasn't kiddin' when he said Pyle was gonna show up horny! Heh-heh-heh-heh-hehhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"  
Bunny looked in Gomer's direction...he wasn't behaving in an overtly sexual manner, but the hot glances he and April exchanged told the story.   
The dead giveaway was when Gomer softly licked his upper lip the minute April's shift ended...  
  
Gomer hadn't seen April since the night he'd caught Lou Ann in bed with Monroe, so they had a lot of catching up to do.  
"I can't get over how hot you look," April admitted, containing her passion until it was time. "God, Gomer, I thought I was gonna faint when you walked in!"  
Gomer reverted back to babe-in-the-woods mode, for only a second, and blushed. "Gaw-lee, April," he giggled, "that's somethin' Lou Ann would never say..."  
Almost as quickly, he changed the subject. "So when'd you start workin' here? Ah thawt you was happy at th' Congo Club..."  
"Well, I was until a few months ago. You know I never liked Lou Ann..."  
"I knew that, but why? B'sides her bein' laid up in th' bed with Monroe behind mah back?"  
April took a long sip of her water. "I just didn't like her, Gomer. The fact that she was cheating on you made it easy for me to dislike her...the main thing was, she had a very bad attitude. Thought she was hot shit because she had a pretty face and a killer body, never mind the fact that she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket..."  
"Yeah, you're right about thayat," Gomer replied. "Ah never knew whut t'expect from that hussy...one minute she was so sweet butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, th' next she was pissin' an' moanin' lahk she wuz awn the raig..."  
Hearing Gomer cuss, a habit he had only recently picked up, made her smile. "Ah won't lie, April, ah did wawna marry her. But she kep' puttin' me awf an' puttin' me awf---th' night ah cawht her in bed with Monroe, ah was gonna have a tawk with her about a weddin' date. Ah'd gotten her engagement ring an' ever'thang..."  
Gomer sipped bitterly at his own water, the memory of Lou Ann's betrayal still fresh in his mind. "Y'knew ah punched owt Sgt. Hacker not long after it happened," he now admitted. "Ah shouldn't of done it..."  
Now April spoke. "He forgave you, didn't he? That's why you're going to the Budokai next week," she said tenderly. "I saw your match with Tank Abbott a few weeks ago...you really beat his ass..."  
"Ever' time ah've competed, ah've imagined that it's Monroe's face ah'm tryin' t'grind up inta dawg food," he now admitted. "Ah've wawnted t'imagine that ah'm bashin' Lou Ann's brains in, but ah'm a gentleman, an' ah don't b'lieve in hittin' women---no matter how they act."  
Another sip of water. "Naw, April, I'm jus' gonna let her go. Th' bitch ain't worth it..."  
He let the other shoe drop. "But you are."  
Gomer set down his water bottle, his eyes holding April's. "You know," she whispered. "You know how I've felt about you since we met..."  
He smiled. "Well, ah wouldn't be sittin' with ya now if ah didn't feel the same way...ah wasted mah tahme with Lou Ann when ah coulda been with you. Ah could tell how y'looked at me when ah'd come into th' Congo Club, an' how y'looked at me tonight. Lou Ann never looked at me that way...never made me feel this way..."  
  
In the upstairs bar, Duke looked in Gomer and April's direction and couldn't believe his eyes. "Sweet mother of Ricky Martin!" he exclaimed as he saw them kiss, saw Gomer cup April's face in his hands and gladly welcoming her tongue inside his mouth.   
Charles heard him and walked over. "Duke, what is it?" Charles asked.  
Duke pointed in Gomer and April's direction. "Our little virgin's about to get laid," he chuckled. "Lookit how they're kissing!"  
Charles saw it, and couldn't believe his eyes. "Shit!" he gasped, the sight of Gomer and April playing tonsil hockey bringing a smile to his own face. When LoGicK's remix of Stardust's "Music Sounds Better With You" began to play, Gomer and April's dancing told some more of the story.  
April seemed to be walking him through it, and he took to the cure, his normally jerky movements becoming as fluid as his fighting style. He didn't flinch when April's hands grabbed his tight glutes, then his hips, before inching up his chest...in fact, her actions led to another blistering kiss.  
A few paces away on the dance floor, Bunny couldn't believe what she was seeing. "My God, Vince, he IS horny!" she sputtered. "Question is, will he know what to do?"  
"She'll show him what to do, babe," Vince cooed, his tongue softly tickling her ear. "Y'know, seein' them's makin' me kinda horny...how 'bout you?"  
"Oooooohhhhhhhhh," Bunny purred, knowing exactly what he was talking about.  
  
Not far from where Duke and Charles were, Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo and Krillin watched everything that was going on. "There he is!" Piccolo exclaimed, pointing to where Gomer and April were below.   
Goku and Vegeta looked down, seeing Gomer and April heading for the entrance. "But are you sure that's HIM, Piccolo?" Vegeta asked. "Are you sure that's the Guardian?"  
"I've never been more sure of anything, guys," Piccolo admitted. "That's Virekot, all right...I could see the Saiyan blood flowing in his veins."  
Just then Duke and Charles walked by, with Duke accidentally bumping into Krillin. "Hey!" Krillin said when he and Duke collided.   
"I'm sorry, buddy," Duke said, helping Krillin up. "You okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. No harm done."  
Duke looked up, seeing Piccolo with him. He also saw Goku and Vegeta for the first time. "Ambassador Piccolo!" he said. "This is a surprise..."  
"Corporal Slater," Piccolo acknowledged with a grin.  
Duke and Charles took their cue and started to leave...but then Duke heard them resume their talk about Gomer. "Charlie, you go on without me," Duke now said. "I forgot something."  
Charles shrugged and went on, leaving Duke to his eavesdropping...  
  
At 3 a.m., Baxendale's closed for the night. When Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo, and Krillin started for their Mitsubishi Montero, Duke pulled up in his Mustang convertible. "It's that Slater guy again," Krillin whispered to Goku.  
"Don't worry, I think we can trust him," Goku whispered back. "Just stay cool."  
Piccolo walked up to Duke, as if to ask what was going on. "Well, Corporal Slater, what brings you back?" he asked jovially. But the expression on Duke's face was anything but.  
"Ambassador, do me a favor and cut the bullshit," Duke said in an agitated tone. "I know why you're all here, and why my buddy Gomer's really going to the Budokai..."  
Now Vegeta approached him. "So tell us, Corporal," he asked half-snidely, "what DO you know?"  
"Just answer me this, whoever the fuck you are," Duke now demanded. "What's this about my buddy being a Saiyan?"   
  
END OF PART THREE 


	4. Default Chapter Title

DRAGONBALL U.S.M.C., Part Four  
by Clarice_Lecter  
  
  
For the first time in his life, Gomer lost himself to the raptures and rewards of pleasure.  
He and April had left Baxendale's in a hurry, anxious to be alone...out of respect for her, they'd stopped at a 24-hour Wal-Mart for condoms before going any further. As soon as they'd returned to her apartment, she lit several candles and three sticks of patchouli incense to set the mood, wanting to make this night as special for him as it would be for her.  
Here, now, in the candlelit dark of her bedroom, Gomer and April had taken their time undressing, every exposure of skin a wondrous discovery. The feel of her lips on his feverish flesh, the soft touch of her hands as they caressed his skin, was like nothing he'd ever experienced...  
Gomer was so amazed that he couldn't even say "Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"...they said nothing, in fact, savoring every new sensation quietly, kissing each other without end.  
They finally got into bed, cuddling and kissing before April guided his fingertips over her body...her heaving breasts, her taut stomach, her shapely hips...her legs eventually opening, opening wide so she could gently urge his exploring fingers to her warm, soft, brunette yoni, encouraging him as he touched her for the first time.  
"Gaw-lee, April, you're soakin' wet," he finally whispered, amazed by the softness of her petals, the silky warmth of her opening as he kissed her again and again.  
"That's the idea, baby," she purred, her legs opening wider as he continued to touch her. His fingers brushed against her clitoris, causing her to gasp. "Mmmmmmhhhhhhh, Gomer, you're doing great..."  
  
"Damn it to Hell, answer me!" Duke demanded, his question still unanswered in the parking lot at Baxendale's. "What's this about my buddy Gomer being a Saiyan?"  
Goku came forward. "Corporal Slater, I know this is a shock to you..."  
"You're damn right it is! Now I wanna know what the Hell's goin' on, and you better not jerk me around!"  
"Duke, will you CALM DOWN?!?" Piccolo snapped. "Look, it's a long story...why don't you come with us, and we'll explain---!"  
"Fuck you!" Duke fumed. "I'm not going anyplace with you---!"  
Just then the resurrected Capt. Ginyu, a longtime disciple of Frieza, came in for a landing. "What the fuck's THAT?!?" Duke now asked, dumbfounded by the sight of Ginyu's ship."  
Capt. Ginyu stepped out, ready for battle. "Which one of you girlie-pussies is Gomer Pyle?!?" he demanded. "Lord Frieza awaits you..."  
"Await THIS!!!" Vegeta raged, stepping forward to blast him with an energy beam.  
At this point, Duke realized that Goku and Piccolo were telling the truth, just as the Ginyu Force surrounded them. And he was being dragged into this as well...  
  
On Planet Kai, in the Outer Dimension, King Kai was watching the activities on Earth with great interest. So, too, was Vegeta's late wife Bulma.  
"Oh, King Kai, is someone hurting my Vegeta?!? Or my BABIES?!?!?" Bulma asked frantically. She knew she couldn't be resurrected, but she still couldn't help worrying about her family.  
Using his antennae as radar, King Kai soon had the answer. "No, Bulma, it's not your family that's in danger," he replied. "It's the Guardian of the Dragonballs..."  
"Th-th---the Guardian? As in Goku's long-lost brother Virekot?!? He's been FOUND?!?!?"  
"Yes, he has. He's living under the Earth name of Gomer Pyle, and..."  
At that moment, King Kai's radar picked up Gomer and April's lovemaking. "Heh-heh-heh...looks like the Guardian's losing his virtue, and it's about time..."  
Almost as quickly, Kai picked up the battle between the Ginyu Force and the Dragonball Warriors, which now included Duke Slater. "Oh, dear! Some of Frieza's men have found Goku and Vegeta and the others---and there's a new fighter in the mix!"  
Bulma became more frantic than ever. "A NEW fighter?!?!? King Kai, what the Hell--!!!"  
"Now, Bulma, don't tie your panties in a knot! This new guy is a friend of Gomer's---he's on OUR SIDE!!!!!"  
  
As Duke joined the Dragonball Warriors in their battle with the Ginyu Force, April was guiding Gomer inside her.  
She had unrolled one of the Trojan Extra Sensitive condoms over his erection, which had swelled to life with her caresses, and now she was talking him through it as he began thrusting into her again and again.  
"Oh, April...April," he gasped, having never made love before now, having never experienced such pleasure. He could feel how wet and hot she was inside, he could feel her pubic muscles tightening around him with each thrust. It felt so good...so very, very good...  
April moved with him, her legs and arms wrapping around him, her beautiful face awash with delight...soon she was moaning, feeling like she was going out of her mind...  
Her soft cries and gasps surprised Gomer, and he stopped. "Oh, Gomer, don't stop, I love it," she sobbed, encouraging him to continue.  
"Ain't it hurtin' you? Ah thawht..." he began, but she shushed him with a blistering kiss.  
"It doesn't...aaaaaauuuuuhhhhhh...it doesn't hurt at all," she moaned. "You don't know how good you make me feel..."  
Encouraged, Gomer resumed thrusting, resumed filling April's yoni with every inch of his lingam. Soon, his moans met hers...  
  
It didn't take long for Duke and the others to make short work of Capt. Ginyu and his asshole buddies. Duke and Krillin teamed up against the goofy muscle freak with the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, beating the living shit out of him before Krillin sent him away with an energy blast to his grapefruits.  
Vegeta and Piccolo took out the other two members, while Goku used the little ugly green dude with four eyes against Capt. Ginyu himself. It took the little green guy's own power blasts to send Ginyu running.  
When the Ginyu Force was fully vanquished, Duke assessed the scene with wonder. "Hol...lee...SHIT!!!" he exclaimed. "You guys weren't bluffing..."  
"NOW will you come with us, so we can explain?" Goku asked.  
Duke grinned. "What the Hell," he now said. "We'd better take my car, since that Ginyu prick fucked up your SUV. It'll be a tight squeeze, though..."  
"No problemo," Vegeta grinned back. "We've gotten into tighter squeezes, Slater, believe me."  
"We're also gonna need to talk to your friends Sgt. Carter, Sgt. Hacker and Charlie," Piccolo added. "They're as deep into this as you and Gomer are..."  
When they were all in Duke's Mustang, they wasted no time leaving Baxendale's and finding Charles, who had gone to a nearby sports bar after having no luck getting a date. There, they explained the whole story.  
  
Just as Charlie and Duke learned the full scope of Gomer's Saiyan heritage, Gomer was experiencing the first orgasm he'd ever had.  
April was coming with him, their screams of need and desire rocking throughout the apartment complex, their bodies and minds exploding with pleasure. Gomer's eyes were tightly closed, his cries as loud as hers, his face contorted with passion...  
His hot seed filled the condom, the tsunami of burning, fiery love overcoming him as if he were dying. If this were dying, he never wanted to be brought back to life...as his mind became a swarm of buzzing bees, as his body collided with hers, he basked in the beauty, the raw emotion of their love...  
They collapsed together, pausing long enough to dispose of the spent condom before cradling themselves in each other's embrace.   
"April...?" he now said. "Ah thank ah'm gonna cry..."  
April smiled up at him, tears now dropping from her own eyes. "Cry if you need to, baby," she whispered, weeping with happiness. "Let it all go..."  
They rested in the dark, crying and kissing and whispering their love for each other as they drifted off to sleep...  
  
END OF PART FOUR   



	5. Default Chapter Title

DRAGONBALL U.S.M.C.  
  
a DragonBall Z/Gomer Pyle crossover by Clarice_Lecter  
  
  
PREMISE: What if everyone's favorite bumbling Marine turned out to be the most powerful Saiyan warrior of all?  
  
  
CAST OF CHARACTERS  
  
PVT. FIRST CLASS GOMER PYLE, a sweet, innocent babe-in-the-woods stationed at the Camp Henderson Marine Base near San Diego, CA. When Colonel Gray institutes a competitive martial arts program on the base, Gomer discovers fighting skills he never knew he had...which leads him to his ultimate destiny.  
  
CORPORAL DUKE SLATER, Company B's second in command and Gomer Pyle's best friend. When he, Pvt. Charles Yellowbear, and Gomer are selected to represent the U.S. at the Budokai International Martial Arts Tournament in Osaka, Japan, Duke is the first to discover Gomer's Saiyan heritage...something Gomer himself does not yet know about.  
  
SGT. VINCE CARTER, leader of Company B and the best friend of Duke Slater and Gomer Pyle. He is as shocked as everyone else when Gomer Pyle proves to be a natural in the competitive martial arts program, and he is also the head coach for the U.S. team at the Budokai Tournament...and is even more stunned when he discovers who Gomer really is.  
  
SGT. EARL HACKER, leader of Company C and the guy in charge of the mess hall. He is also friends with Sgt. Carter, Duke Slater, and Gomer Pyle, and is the assistant coach for the U.S. team at the Budokai Tournament. One of his soldiers, Charles Yellowbear, is the third competitor for the U.S. team.  
  
PVT. FIRST CLASS CHARLES YELLOWBEAR, a Native American recruit in Sgt. Hacker's platoon. He and Gomer Pyle became fast friends while competing in the base's track and field division, and leaps at the chance to join Duke and Gomer in the Budokai Tournament.  
  
COL. ANDREW GRAY, base commander at Camp Henderson. His decision to incorporate competitive martial arts at Camp Henderson unleashes Gomer Pyle's natural abilities, and leads to the Budokai Tournament...and Gomer's ultimate destiny.  
  
GOKU, a Saiyan-born warrior and past champion of the Budokai. He is an observer at this year's Budokai who quickly senses Gomer Pyle's Saiyan energy...and also senses danger with the bumbling Marine's presence at the Budokai.  
  
VEGETA, a recently widowed former enemy of Goku who is also an observer at the Budokai, as well as a Saiyan. He blows the U.S. team off as pushovers until he sees Gomer compete...Gomer fights like a Saiyan, and it doesn't take long for Vegeta to connect Gomer to his true past. Vegeta is also in mourning over the death of his human-born wife and soulmate Bulma, who was a childhood friend of Krillin and Goku.  
  
PICCOLO, another enemy-turned-ally of Goku whose first match at the Budokai is against Gomer Pyle. He soon realizes that as much of a fighter as Goku is, Gomer is much more...  
  
KRILLIN, Goku's best friend. A Buddhist monk before he became a fighter, Krillin balances his fighting spirit with a sense of calm and a healthy dose of fear. Like his friends, he senses something different about Gomer Pyle the minute he lays eyes on him.   
  
GOHAN, Goku's son and a competitor in the Budokai. He and his dad have fought many battles together, both in and out of the Budokai, and this is the first year Goku has let Gohan compete solo. He and Duke Slater compete against each other in the first trials, and become fast friends...  
  
TRUNKS, the son of Vegeta and his late wife Bulma. He is also competing in the Budokai this year, but spends much of his time comforting his grief-stricken father.   
  
FRIEZA, the son of the intergalactic warlord Kold and a longtime enemy of the DragonBall warriors. He has been killed and reanimated several times, and has been reanimated once again. His new mission is to crash the Budokai and destroy the Saiyan warrior Virekot, who is to become the Guardian of the DragonBalls...but who is Virekot?  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters of PFC Gomer Pyle, Cpl. Duke Slater, Sgt. Vince Carter, Sgt. Earl Hacker, PFC Charles Yellowbear, and Col. Andrew Gray are the exclusive property of Andy Griffith Productions. The characters of Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo, Krillin, Gohan, Trunks, and Frieza are the exclusive property of Funimation, Inc. and other companies. No infringement of any kind is intended. 


End file.
